Celestial Pablum: To Induce Erotic Dreams
close the window and place red brick under the left-hand leg at the head of the bed
1 kilo horseradish
3 white hens
1 head garlic
4 kilos honey
2 calves’ livers
1 whalebone corset
2 false mustaches
Hats to taste
Pluck hens, carefully reserving feathers. Set hens to boil in two liters unsalted distilled water or rainwater, along with the head of garlic, peeled and mashed. Let it boil on low heat. While the fowl are boiling, place the eastern bed northwest to southeast and let rest with the window open. After one half hour, close the window and place red brick under the left-hand leg at the head of the bed, which must face northwest. Let rest. While the bed is resting, grate horseradish directly over the broth, taking care that your hands are constantly steeped in the steam. Stir and let boil. Take the four kilos of honey and with a spatula spread on the bedsheets. Take the hens’ feathers and scatter them over the honey-smeared sheets. Make bed with care.
It is not essential for the feathers to be white, coloured ones can be used as well, but so-called guinea hens must be avoided, for these at times bring on a prolonged state of nymphomania or severe cases of priapism. Put on corset and lace tightly. Sit in front of the mirror, calm your nerves, smile, try on mustaches and hats according to your tastes (tricorne, bicorne, cardinal’s biretta, mob cap, Basque beret, et cetera). Put the two clothespins on a saucer and place beside the bed. Warm calves’ livers in a bain-marie, taking great care they don’t come to a boil. Place the warm livers in lieu of a pillow (in cases of masochism) or on both sides of the bed, within hands’ reach (in cases of sadism). From that moment on, everything must get done at high speed, to prevent the livers from cooling off. Run and quickly pour the broth (which must be very reduced) into a cup. Quickly return with it to the mirror, smile, take a sip of broth, try on a mustache, take another sip, try on a hat, drink, try on everything, take little sips between one trying-on and the next, and do all of it as quickly as you can. Once the broth is consumed, run to the bed, lie down between the prepared sheets, quickly take up the clothespins and insert into each of them your big toe. These clothespins must remain on all night long and be placed at a 45-degree angle to the toe, pressing firmly on the nail.
This simple recipe always gives good results and ordinary people can pleasurably go from kiss to strangulation, from rape to incest, et cetera, et cetera. Recipes for more complicated cases, such as necrophilia, autophagy, tauromachy, alpinism, and others, are to be found in a special volume from our collection: Discreetly Healthful Advice.